Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
