I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
