I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
