Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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