You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
No...this little piggys going to the bar
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Randomize
