You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
