My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Randomize
