I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I have feelings that need drinking.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Randomize
