we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Use "feeling words"
Yay
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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