Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Randomize
