I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
