thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Randomize