Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
