I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
i think im in europe. pls send help
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
