she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I am one with the molecules
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
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