did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
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