I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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