I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize