Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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