just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
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