Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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