4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
