Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Randomize
