we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
