Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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