i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
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