It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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