Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
