Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
