she was so not down for the gang bang
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
