Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
