I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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