An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
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