The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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