she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize