Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
