Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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