She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
