hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
Randomize
