I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
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