Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
im having a threesome with these popsicles
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize