I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
