sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Randomize
