i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
There's even glitter on my cock...
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