I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
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