I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Randomize
