Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
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