would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
