She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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