You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Randomize
