He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
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