Fine. I'll sleep in my office
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
