Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
