Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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