just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Randomize