All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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