you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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