I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
