I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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