I just gift wrapped bread.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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