I think i peed on brittanys purse
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
You're a waste of cheezeits
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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