Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Randomize
