then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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