My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize