Just fell off a train. Bad.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
