btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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