guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
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