The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
