If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
