Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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