I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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