You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
