Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
People are allowed to visit it's just they can't be from Germany and have to wear masks.
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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